For further context, I have been threatening for some time to shatter this #poly thruple/triad thing we’ve had going on since January.

Yesterday I pulled the pin on the grenade, shouted “fire in the hole” and detonated the whole bunker. It was the only thing I had left to hand, so I asked my fiancee how long it would take her to move out, because that was what I wanted.

The considered, open, informed and consensual parts of the relationship had started to break, everyone was jumping to conclusions, getting angry, taking steps without forethought and generally fucking shit royally up. Things were happening for spite, doors were being slammed, mums were being summoned and nobody was happy.

Most of all, everyone had got so anxious and hypervigilant that even innocuous jokes to break the tension were being seen as vicious personal attacks.

So last night after much negotiation through the day, the three of us went to neutral but familar ground and thrashed things out.

And because I am a professional software team guy and, above all else, autistic as hell when under stress, I ran it very much like I would a Post-Incident Review after a major outage.

I recommend this approach, should you ever need it. Recognise the issues, identify the mistakes, assign NO personal blame, take no retributive action, keep focus on desired outcomes, give everyone space for input, consider all viewpoints on their merits and leave with concrete actions to prevent future incidents, while scheduling follow-ups to ensure the remedial actions have been executed and are working as intended.

#poly

Our first followup is in just under one week. We have a soft launch happening now to let everyone calm the fuck down, get used to the new world order and consider further steps. Small mistakes this week will lead to no major consequences beyond small, collaborative changes to the protocols, which include:

- Proper shared calendar, with considerations around privacy and flexibility. I have suggested titling it “Triple Advisor”
- Group chat notifications muted, especially our NSFW channel. Only check channels when it is appropriate to do so
- Inter-party messaging defaults to no-notifications channels, so that party A is not intruding on quality time between B&C and vice versa.
- Being careful with the words “we” and “us” because they could mean the nesting couple, the outer couple or all three depending on context and ambiguity. There has been conflict and misunderstanding on this issue before.
- Plenty of notice for schedule changes (super important for idiot autistic boy over here, because he cannot cope at all with schedule changes)
- Always try to assume positive intent, especially when something is ambiguous (a joke is not always a dagger between the ribs, folks)
- Everyone has the right to opt-out of a situation without being judged for it
- Longer blocks of personal and couple time for everyone
- lots of flexibility and space for when there is a lack of spoons, not only for the “officially disabled” one but for everyone. Nobody is obliged to do anything when they are strung out and close to limits except rest and look after themselves. And if one *is* in that situation, it doesn’t just default to “other couple” time. The spoon-deficient person must be given space, consideration and safety.
- robust protection around shared resources, like car, home, master bedroom, en-suite and so on, so that personal space, privacy and safety remain pristine. I am personally providing Uber credit for times when using the car will be contentious, for example
- robust, protected ability to break any and all comms rules in an actual emergency, and a way to quickly provide support (for which I will be provisioning an “emergency fund” debit card account)

Big mistakes in this coming week - especially repeat mistakes of the kind we have already highlighted - might well lead to firings, and everyone on the team has been made aware of that. We would all rather that didn’t happen if possible but a nuclear option and escape route has to be considered.

I am now accepting expressions of interest to act as your polycule’s Agile Coach. Rates available on request.

quick followup, I am pleased to report a very positive first few days for the New World Order.

- The muted chat channels give a nice way to keep in touch through the day without interrupting.
- The weekend was a superb, zero conflict block of quality time for me and Ashley, and she was still able to use breaks and downtime to chat with T, without causing strife between us.
- The new calendar is working. Though I did have to remind that my phone screen *might* be visible ocasionally in professional situations, therefore events should be named accordingly.
- A & T are having a block of quality time at my place today, so it was good to have space to discuss some boundaries yesterday - without breaching privacy. Example: "my studio is my safe space, please don't hang out in there for now", things like that. I literally do not care what they want to do today, I just don't want to find out something triggering later, because that would be a landmine.

Overall, I'm optimistic about everything but remain cautious and very conscious that we will run into surprises over the next while.

Also, the latest episiode of Boonta Vista was brilliantly scathing about #poly nonsense on my commute this morning. Good to stay grounded I think.

Here’s a little update on my ridiculous #poly thruple situation.

Despite the new agreement thrashed out as mentioned earlier in this thread, the blast radius of A & T’s ongoing chaos was not contained.

Mistakes continued to be made and on Thursday I was given the arse from my probationary new job, for insufficient engagement - the subtext being that my relationship drama was too intrusive and I was not excelling.

That was a final straw and I issued a wind-up order on the situation. Much drama ensued but I can’t afford to have relationship shit impact my career.

A arranged to go and tell T in person, but events got ahead of us and I was forced into doing it over WhatsApp myself.

Now, one of the things about text comms as opposed to a conversation is you can *scroll up* and review what’s been said in detail. After a fairly heated argument with T, I did just that. I scrolled up.

And I started recognising some of his tactics.

Gaslighting, blame shifting, projection.

We’ve been fucking played by a manipulator. He’s been deliberately running a divide and conquer campaign. He’s spotted weaknesses in both of us and exploited them.

He’s needled my anxiety repeatedly, as a way of inciting conflict between myself and A. He’s encouraged and stoked A’s justifiable dislike of my drinking habits to likewise stoke conflict (and has literally been the guy who said to me “oh you stay at the pub a bit longer, you deserve to relax”). He’s lovebombed the living shit out of her, and he’s deliberately bought her a gift that reminded of a previous traumatic conflict. And then laughed it off. He’s definitely exploited her ADHD impulsivity and her Oppositional Defiance.

He’s made himself a fixture in our weekly trivia nights, despite confessing to hate it and blaming my competitiveness for making him anxious, driving a wedge between me and A.

Every time I’ve needed a break and some space, he’s been the one pushing back against it, and he’s persuasive. He’s managed to talk me out of severe anxiety - thereby gaining trust - before mere hours later needling it again - stoking conflict.

We’ve got to breakup points where I’ve wanted to throw A out, and he’s talked it back down, before repeating the exact behaviour that led to the bustup in the first place. I have zero idea what he’s been pulling on A in private but I can’t imagine it being any less intense.

Fucker is a gaslighting little weasel and a grass cutter, who wants the hot girl on his arm but none of the responsibility of actually managing the relationship. He doesn’t want me to kick her out and send her to him, but he wants to marginalise me and damage the relationship enough that he comes out as the primary.

I also suspect he’s been active in stoking division in some of Ashley’s friendships, so she has less support to reach out to. She has certainly alienated two of my good friends in the last month or so, and is currently running on fumes, friends-wise, and has developed a habit of ignoring calls from her mum (who doesn’t like him and is very much in my camp).

And the BIG problem I have here is that A is still enmeshed in the whole thing, feels she loves him and currently hates me for forcing the breakup. I’m quite concerned she might reach out to him, despite me having very firmly given him the fuck off, and continue the cycle.

Hooooh boy. I sure need help and advice!

I know we've discussed this before, but that trust aspect, you've gotta have it at every turn if you want to live that poly lifestyle. Any deception is red flags to the extreme, whoever is doing it.

I won't give you advice, as I'm the kind of person that'd pull the plug and fuck both of them off to the curb; it's not the smartest way of dealing with things