Personal post by Alex recounting his own experience with #HIV

DISCLAIMER: There is irony in the post but also a lot of Drama Queen: readers be warned.

The POSITIVE change

Now it is not “Gifter” speaking but Alex with a post where I share my in-person experience with HIV to dismantle the prejudices of those who are skeptical about my participation in this satirical blog.

Negative event? Yes. Devastating news? For sure. But since when “positive change” comes you must carry it forever, it’s worth taking note and in time learning to live with it as peacefully as possible.

2013: Think twice!

I listen to all music because I love it so much but there is one particular song I hardly tolerate: “think twice” by Celine Dion; even searching for the video to share on the blog, I muted the audio because that song is indigestible to me to say the least.

youtube.com/watch?v=YjvB0vXT2v…

However, I used to love this song because it was what brought Alberto and me together, intense love and great mistake at the same time.

At 32 I should have already been an adult, but I fell into the arms of someone who promised to be faithful then was a serial cheater and I insisted on forgiving him despite, in hindsight, the signs of an unhealthy relationship being obvious.

Finally, however, one day, finding yet another stranger’s sock under our bed, I took all his stuff and left his suitcase outside my door.

Had I found used condoms instead of socks it would have been disgusting but in the end I would have only managed the cheating matter, instead so I had to deal with a “positive change” I would have gladly done without.

He also managed to make me hate “Think Twice”: fortunately, that mess didn’t last too long, but Alberto’s tantrums outside the house or on the phone pleading ‘Alex, please forgive me’ forcing me to listen to Celine Dion’s song in background, happened every day from mid-January 2013 until March, not to speak about Valentine’s Day – several times he ran the risk of being sued by me for stalking behaviour.

Now so just the first notes of that song make me as nervous as when a nuisance rings the doorbell hoping to sell me useless stuff or talk about some unknown religion.

With doorbell nuisances I have never gone that far but I have thrown more than a few buckets of water to Alberto through the window when he came to bust my balls, yes! And in the middle of winter it is not the best so in case he got a good cold, he brought it on himself.

On the other hand at the same damn time I had caught a very powerful flu even without receiving water buckets on me, or at least I considered it as such. Recent breakup related stress maybe caused it, but with a pill and some rest it all was going to go away. I was sure.

As soon as I recovered, I went to the dump to throw away the underwear Alberto had left in my drawer for whatever foolish illusion of his; however, when I decide something’s over, it’s over. Without any regret or second thought. I was still unaware that, objectively, not all gifts given by an ex can be permanently discarded.

2013: Rite of passage

After getting rid of breakup related stress, what do you think? “Cemeteries are full of irreplaceable people,” there may be someone else to love, and you realize that at 37 years old maybe it’s time to ‘put yourself back on the market’ so you don’t become the austere widow of the 19th century.

So, in the idea of getting to know people again with the classic “let’s try then the future is ahead of me,” I made an important decision: to get tested for sexually transmitted infections HIV included as I felt I was in perfect shape but, knowing that I was monogamous and Alberto was not, I considered myself a sufficiently vulnerable person: at worst I would at least safeguard any new relationships in the short, medium or long term.

We gay men have matured a certain awareness over decades of HIV or AIDS associated mainly with our sexual orientation: viruses do not consider whether you are monogamous or polygamous, HIV just needs an open door to access and they do not give a damn whether you make love without protection because you “trust” your partner or whether you are with a completely stranger you just met about whom you care only as long as you undress or get dressed. Viruses enter your body without knocking or asking, “May I come in?”

Actually it is like that for straight people as well, the latter, however, more often than not feel lulled into the media “comfort zone” of risk categories, and even if the serial cheater is the person “next door” who is dedicated to home and work, often times the average straight person does not consider the possibility of sexual infections, does not get tested, then the tragedies of husband or wife in full-blown AIDS after years of silence, or HIV positive status discovered during a pregnancy happen.

I don’t care if I am brutal, but since life does not give discounts, I do not give them either when I speak out on these issues.

With the tests I had planned to close the Alberto chapter for good and, on the subject, I even joked together with my best friend, “I mean come on, I’m not going to be such a loser as to be cuckolded and HIV-positive, am I? I can handle my cheater ex, but no certainty about how I would manage with HIV.”

Adriano, however, is quite a bit more mischievous than me and threw the rock: “I’m on you like a sucker because I got so worried for the flu you had some time ago.”

And who remembered it anymore, certainly not me! But he is a good “leech” as I still call him now, so he does not miss any slightest fragility on my part and even then he said “the two of us can bear the weight of any misfortune. I am with you.”

We’ve been close since my teenage years, he’s the first one to whom I confided that “I didn’t like pussy” (how rude I talked then), a friendship more than three decades long. We’ve been through a lot and we feel we’re in a barrel, not even in danger of stealing each other’s partners because he’s straight!

2013: The response

The flu, what could it be! I had already read on the Internet that going from HIV negative to positive could trigger flu-like symptoms however, on this I never wanted to condition myself and after Alberto, in my life, I authorized no one to touch me until I was sure to be “healthy” – that was how I defined HIV negativity at that time.

So I had my blood drawn without much dramatic thought: all in all, I was calm: I had “a clear conscience,” “I had behaved well,” the test was a prevention measure but generally “AIDS only catches those who are not careful.” I was a victim of bad organized awareness campaigns.

The screening was for all sexually transmitted infections, I had not gone to one of those facilities where they anonymously test only for HIV and I was waiting for the results.

I took it easy until my cell phone rang: the doctor wanted to “meet me to discuss the results,” at which point I even snapped at the young lady in charge of the calls, “for fuck’s sake, little girl, don’t give me any shit tell me I’m HIV positive and get lost!” She formal but polite: “sir be patient, I am not required to give you information over the phone, I kindly ask you to make an appointment with the doctor!” Friday, May 3, 2013, all right.

Adriano was with me that day, the only person I could trust. He stood outside waiting for me while I was locked in the room talking to the doctor. “Everything negative except HIV, sorry.” Hell no! I HIV positive no! Alberto could not have done this to me!

Upon receiving such news all certainty collapses in your mind, but everyone reacts in their own way: at that moment I no longer had a doctor in front of me, it was no longer the outpatient clinic but I felt like I was at home at the table in front of Alberto and all it would have taken was Think Twice to make me finally snap.

Holy patience had (and still has) that doctor. It was only when I calmed down that he explained the whole course of action to me; I was too afraid of the “aftermath” and I still remember saying “doctor please if you give me a medicine that does not make me a walking ghost I will accept it.”

He did much more and gave me the opportunity to follow a plan of both antiviral and psychological therapy thanks to which I have now regained my balance and have no problem talking about it openly.

Alberto? Of course he also tested positive and to this day I still assume he was unaware of it: just as he paid little attention in the car so he was in sexuality and the effects were seen and yet, over time, I got over my resentment toward him because hate did not make me feel good.

The psychotherapy lasted a year and a half of which I judged the first months as absolutely useless because I was so disgusted that I locked myself at home without showering for days; Adriano for his part also came to see me but more and more infrequently.

“You don’t want me as a friend anymore because I have HIV,” I wrote him one day but his response was merciless: ”if I don’t come to you often it’s because you stink like a pig. Do you think you scare the virus away like that? Easier for me to leave! Continue at this rate and HIV will remain the only one who will stay close to you but only because they’re forced to, and cannot get rid of you or they will die.”

No professional will ever tell you that but a childhood friend does, especially when they sees you self-destruct and do not know how to help you.

Another shock therapy came from my psychologist to whom I confided that I had spent the summer of 2013 studying what was the best way to die before the virus killed me.

He confronted me head-on, “How many ways to die are you describing. But if you spend days thinking about it without doing anything real, I sense that you don’t really want to kill yourself. What do you say? Let’s start from here: you don’t actually want to die.”

“Of course I don’t,” had been my reply, ”but HIV forces me to consider death! At 37 having an expiry date! It’s not fair!”

That very patient man let me shoot the crap out of my mouth and then kept on telling me the same words I had already heard from the doctor, “now it’s no longer a death sentence,” “follow the treatment regularly,” “have as healthy a lifestyle as possible,” it took a long time but in the end in addition to making peace with HIV I made peace with my self-esteem and eradicated the internalized feelings of stigma and homophobia I had been holding inside for years.

I also managed to overcome anger towards infection: I am now emotionally stable, so much so that the virus is part of my family exactly like my cat and I take care of it by regularly taking my pills and going to medical checkups when needed.

I should workout more, but my HIV and I are like that: when one wants to go for a walk, the other agrees with Jupiter Pluvio and makes it rain. Like human like virus! TV series, couch, horizontal activity! At least by being symbiotic there is no risk that while we watch sports HIV will root for the opponents.

I admit, after all they have made me suffer to be welcomed, I have even grown fond of this virus. They forced me to question too many certainties founded on nothing but eventually allowed me to find more valid ones including some solid friendships and loves that before, maybe, were there and I didn’t see them.

Maybe it’s weird to say but without my virus I probably would not have befriended @talksina the creator of this blog, who shares with me the experience from the opposite point of view: she’s an HIV-negative woman formerly partnered with an HIV-positive man.

What more could I ask for? To get my negative status back? At the moment I don’t think about it because it’s not possible, except for the people with leukemia who have stem cell transplants that media occasionally talk about.

It would be enough for me to keep HIV on the threshold of Non-detectable Non-transmissible without having to take drugs, research is focusing on that so it’s just a matter of patience; for now my desire is to live and enjoy it to the fullest, I’ve already wasted too much time chasing bullshit!

Closing this article I reassure readers that I have no intention to write books and make money on my experience but just want to tell about it to help defeat HIV stigma.